how could you do this to me tori spelling?!?

So I have been the number one defender of Tori and Dean. And now they do this...

In last night's episode they are going on some vacation and Tori is worried that Dean is not thinking about what to pack. He responds to her by saying that if he forgets something its not like we are going to the third world or something like that. WTF??

Just so you guys know, if you go to the third world and forget something, we have it. We wear clothes and shoes, we use toothbrushes, we actually have pretty good hygene so all is good. Go ahead and half ass pack because we have it.

think you are getting screwed by the airlines?

Think again. I am a faithful baggage checker because I don't like to limit my beauty products when I travel. So I haven't worried too much about the latest restrictions/fees on checked luggage because I don't fly that often but imagine if you are a soldier having to catch a commercial flight in order to report for duty so that you can oh I don't know go fight in a WAR. Well, airlines are charging soldiers for extra luggage as they carry their boots and other military needs.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TRAVEL/08/13/troops.baggage/index.html

Should we tell the airlines these are the same soldiers that are puting their lives on the line so they can have fuel for their planes?

college transcript, part II

So if you are wondering why I did so well in human sexuality but can't get any...I think the D in Chemistry explains it perfectly.

my college transcripts explains it all...

Loyola is one of those schools with a common curriculum so I had to take a whole lot of classes that lowered my GPA and have not helped me at all in life (not that the political science ones have helped either!)

Making Moral Decisions was one of those basic philosophy classes that they offered about 100 sessions of each semester. In looking at my transcripts I just noticed I tried to take it my fall of my junior year but withdrew. In the spring of my senior year I took it again and got C+.

Now tell me doesn't that one fact about me explain it all? From now on, whenever someone asks me to tell them a little about myself I will start with 'I got a C+ in Making Moral Decisions, that is all you need to know.'

If pressed further I will let them know I don't know much about Economics and Society (a D), but no fear I have human sexuality (an A) figured out. I also don't know much about music history esp. classical (World of Music C+) but have the rest of popular culture figured out (Sociology of Popular Culture, a B+.)


PS. You want to know how I did so well in Human Sexuality and Pop Culture? All due to my final projects...masturbation and 90120. I only wish I was kidding.

when in doubt claim racism...

That is the lesson I have learned from my nearly 7 years in Memphis (well that and that people really need to get over Elvis.)

Exhibit # 1,785,396,240 An African America candidate has compared to KKK members/accused of racism a Jewish candidate. All because he would not support a cause that our own quick to jump to racism AA mayor would support either. Now had this guy been a WASP I could maybe see it; a low blow but I could see her trying to get away with it out of desperation. It just seems a bit dangerous to challenge a Jew to a fight over discrimination, injustice and prejudice.

But hey, what do I know...all I care about is who will take care of the brown people :)

being poor sucks

reason # 347 You start to hate the people in the grocery store who can afford fresh fruit and produce. Even though when you had 'all the money in the world' you never really bought any.



*disclaimer: I realize I am far from actually being poor...

a favor of all mothers

I would like to ask a favor of mothers...for the love of God please do not bring your children (particularly if they do not know how to behave and you have no idea how to discipline them) to the grocery store in between the hours of 4:30pm and 6:30pm. Some of us have had hard days at work, trying to find work or in my case today applying for the local community college ( I am not kidding) to deal with your children.

Should you have no option but to bring your brats with you here is a word of advice...just let them run wild. Let them scream, fight, clog the aisles, throw food around. Because worse than watching/dealing with your brats is having to listen to you scream at them to no avail.

Should your kids misbehave and you act like you don't notice I will just look down on your parenting skills. Should your kids misbehave and you unsucessufully try to control them I will write blogs about you.

jewel

I remember listening to Jewel in high school (to be precise in Virginia Benitez's kitchen while baking xmas cookies) and thinking she understood my pain. Now she is just causing me pain. Let's just say that watching her pretend to be country and from Texas on Nashville Star is worse than watching Paula trying to be relevant and coherent on Idol.

And yes, I am well aware that by telling you I am sitting around watching Nashville Star has probably caused you much pain. Unlike Jewel I am willing to admit I am sort of a loser.

proper term

Is the term matron of honor used just for married women? Or once you reach a certain age you get to be a matron? And divorced women to they get to be matron or maid?

I have no real reason to ask these questions but I am watching Kate and Allie and y'all know how that makes me question life.

oh celine...

So I am walking in the park today and I have done one loop around and am about 1/4 of the way through a second when I decided I can't make it through anymore and am just going to walk back when celine dion's taking chances comes on my ipod. I then decided that yes I want to take a chance try to finish. And I realized I was a gay man.

Lee and Anne Marie

That is the couple on the eharmony commercial. You know the guy who is uptight and the girl who is laid back? Anne Marie allows Lee to be who he is?

I hate them.

brain atrophy...

As my grandmother has gotten older my mom and aunts have tried to ward off the inevitable deteoration of her memory by keeping her constantly busy going to classes such as art therapy as well as doing certain memory excersises at home. This is the sort of thing you expect will happen to you at 80+ but the sad truth is, its happening to me at 29. Maybe it is the fact that I haven't worked in a while but I think I am losing it.

I am not even going to tell you guys how I had to pull out my calculator to do some math while at the grocery store...I will say that the first grader that eats paste could do it. I will tell you about how last week I went to the Kroger and bought some shredded cheese. I got home and wanted to make a quesadilla. No problem right? Well, there was a problem. I could not get the package open for a good 5 minutes. When I did I had ripped the package in a way that could not be resealed...

I also recently purchased a new soap for my bathroom. Target did not have the big container for me to refill my current soap dispenser in a kind I liked so I got a small Dial foaming one. Well, every single damn time I try to wash my hands I can't seem to get the pump to work. After fiddling it with for a few seconds either myself or my bathroom get sprayed...but of course not my hands. Of course I never remember to cover the nozzle...

I think it is time someone starts taking me to classes and helping me with every day life...

confession of the day

tori spelling

One of my best friends from college, the great Katie Bauer used to make herself feel better after a hard day with the following phrase: 'at least I'm not Tori Spelling.' I have to say I spent years agreeing with Katie. Sure, sometimes I exchanged Tori for Britney, Paris or Nicole but still Tori was a prime example of how my life wasn't so bad.

Then a funny thing happened...I started to watch Tori and Dean: Inn Love on WE. And my heart melted a little. This season I am hooked on Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood. And now, I spend my time wishing I was her. Sure she got robbed of millions by her own mother and her brother does not seem to speak to her, but she has got a loving husband (that she stole from another woman while being married herself), a cute kid, a best selling book, her own jewelry line AND a drag queen who uses her name and look as inspiration!

If that is not living the american dream, I don't know what is!

30 rock

So I totally get that I am 2 years behind but this is the funniest show on tv. And I am one of those people who LIVES for the office. I had it on in the background while I wrote cover letters the other day in a coffee shop and people were starring as I tried to keep from cracking up!

Season 1 is available to watch instantly on netflix and season 2 is nbc.com. Forget work, do yourself a favor and watch it NOW.

Alec Baldwin was actually born to play his role. Kenneth is that special kid from elementary school you have always wanted to see as an adult. The whole cast is amazing and you will find yourself quoting it non-stop. And then there is wonder that is Tina Fey...to say I have a girl crush on her would be insulting for the new obsession I am developing. I actually have so much to say I will have to do a whole post on her alone...

i've been busy living my life...

I apologize if my lack of posts has caused you to be bored at work. It was very silly of me to ignore your needs while looking for a way to pay the bills...silly, silly me.

let's catch up

To catch everyone up...nothing has changed. Except that as I navigate the world of unemployment I have never been happier! It turns out I really miss having a reliable paycheck but I do not miss getting up in the morning to fake my way through yet another day. Now, I am not advocating getting up right now and quitting your jobs but I certainly will teach you how to live on a limited budget...I make racheal ray and her 40 dollars seem like posh spice on a shopping spree!

don't forget to look over at the features on the right hand side...

I have added a hangover to the top of 2008...which also has made it in my top 3 of all times. Though in my defense the alcohol only made the heat exhaustion worse so my natty light drinking is not the main culprit!

Also don't forget to vote!

the first 48

For those who have not seen it 'the first 48' is an A&E show that follows detectives in the first critical 48 hours after a murder. They have filmed in several cities including Miami and Memphis.

The other day I watched an episode filmed in Memphis. The detectives were tracking down a suspect for most of the day when they received a call of where he is hiding. Do they immediately jump into action? Nope. The woman in charge of the case instead takes out her make up case and freshens up. Then she uses a curling iron to get her hair did. She tells us viewers at home that she needs to look good when she is out on the field. She says that and I would like to quote her at this point she needs to 'represent.'

There are some really important lessons here kids...if you want to murder someone do it in Memphis it will give you an extra few minutes to escape. If are getting murdered don't let it happen in Memphis. There is a good chance the murderer will escape because the lead detective has to go back to 201 to turn off her curling iron.

rifle

So I am reading on sportsillustraded.com about all the ncaa championships this year and the schools that won them...Besides the common sports (like football, basketball, baseball/softball, tennis, etc) there are the 'second tier' sports like lacrosse, water polo and such. Then there are random ones that if you didn't grow up in certain parts of the country you would never think of like rowing and skiing. Then I came across rifle...now I see shooting events in the Olympics so I am not sure why I was so surprised.

The U of Alaska-Fairbanks won this year's event...why am I telling you this? Because in second place came...Army. Somehow that does not inspire confidence in me...


PS. I love and support the troops. Please do not turn me over to Fox news as unamerican...I don't have time for that!

i could not make this up if i tried...

I think I am going to give up on email. This is an actual email I got this morning...

Subject: Find That Special Someone Even If You Are Over 30.

Unfortunately I can't figure out how to post the whole email w/ the adorable picure of a couple w/ the Brooklyn Bridge or something behind them looking in love.

PS and by the way...I still have about 100 days till I turn 30 so I still have a chance to meet someone right?

i blame my family...

Usually I try very hard not to blame my family for much that may be 'wrong' in my life or for any of my craziness but this has got to be their fault...

This morning as I innocently check my email I find one inviting me to a restaurant for 'Dia dos Namorados.' For those of you that are non-Portuguese speaking that is the equivalent of 'Valentine's Day.' Upon further reading the ad I saw that it is a restaurant whose 3 locations just happen to be in my home town.

Now I don't know, but somehow they have gotten my email address and I can only guess it came from some sort of family member. Because you know, I need to be reminded that I am alone for 2 of these 'holidays' like well, a fat kid needs cake!

18 is more than 17

That is the math lesson Hilary taught us yesterday. So she doesn't have the delegates but I am glad she conceded that fact not the race. I for one hopes she takes her time collecting her toys before she goes home for good.

There is a lot of time between now and the delegates officially speaking in Denver. And these are the Clinton's afterall so anything can happen...

gotta love the homeland!

Jail in Brazil seems to be better than my life in the good old US of A. Seriously making me consider a move back to the homeland and a life of crime ;)

Inmate had $170,000, guns, TV, fridge in cell
Officials in Brazil turned up the loot during a jail cell raid

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24956708/?GT1=43001

the dream is over...

Hillary is going to concede that Obama has enough delegates at some point today. The disappointment is greater than I imagined. The writing has been on the wall for a long time but I for one refused to really see it.

My first angry tyrant reaction is to claim I will not support Obama but we all know that is not the way to go. It is time for all of us democrats, liberals, and smart people with common sense to unite for the common good of the country.

Is it weird that I feel like I should have done more to help her? I think I have read one too many inspirational quotes or something...

the end of the world

Clay Aiken is going to be a dad. No fear though, Clay Aiken isn't out getting himself some while we sit at home alone...

From msn.com "According to TMZ, the mother is Jaymes Foster, 50, who is Aiken's record producer and the crooner's close friend. TMZ reports she was artificially inseminated and is due in August."

Living Lohan

So LiLo's sister AlLo claims that she wants to be just like her sister. Lindsay is her role model and she wants to be just like her. I wonder if she means 'The Parent Trap" Lindsay or the rehab before 21 Lindsay?

Ah who am I kidding...I had great role models and look how I turned out! Ali will be fine...

In the meantime I highly recommend 'Living Lohan' and 'Denise Richards: It's Complicated' as great summer guilty pleasures. And for the record...its not that complicated!

would it be rude...

to tell the three people sitting at the table next to me that their conversation is inane? And to let the would be slacker/philosopher in the bunch know that he in fact does not have to yell to get his point across?

Topics covered so far: baseball, cancer, pastries, medicare, back to baseball and now on to golf.

Slacker/Philosopher has trouble with golf. He loves to play but has trouble focusing and hitting the same shot consistently.

Crap. Its the make version of me.

we now don't interupt your regular programing...

How come the tv stations never interupt programing to report on the weather when you actually want to know what is going on with the thunder so loud it shakes your house? Yet, they are quick to preempt oh lets say the finale of the Amazing Race because of a thunder storm so 'dangerous' you and your friends were out and about during it?

PS. The Amazing Race story is true. Just ask Natalie about it...

i am officially too old...

Forgive me if I have blogged about this topic before...A couple of weeks ago I thought about blogging about this but can't remember if I did or not and frankly I am too lazy to look through old posts to see if I did or not.

Anyways, I think I have officially crossed some sort of age defining line. As I sit and watch the guilty pleasure that is Gossip Girl I came to the following conclusion. Dan's dad is way hotter than Dan. In fact he is hotter than all the teenage boys on the show. Basically, I would take him (and Chuck's dad) before I take Dan, Chuck and Nate. Truth be told, I find Serena's mom more attractive then all the girls too.

Man I miss the good old days of 90210 when Cindy and Jim were no match for the gang!

on purses, posh spice, absurd prices, and even more absurd income

Lately I have not been much of a purse carrier. In fact more often or thank not I leave the house w/ my just my wallet in my back pocket. This has given my friends plenty to joke about. Turns out straight girls are in fact obligated to carry purses with them at all times.

The truth is, I love me some purses. I just do not have any purses right now that I really love. My current purse related obsession is finding the perfect black clutch. And as Meg can attest from our recent trip to Target this is an issue I am 'slightly' passionate about.

So today I decided to do some investigative work on clutches to see which designer knock-off I need to be looking for. For the record it is a Hermes Baccara Crocodile Clutch (in green!) I saw Posh Spice with one and fell in love. Love and envy.

Also, in my research I found out that she alledgedly owns over 100 Hermes bags. ONE HUNDRED. That is about 2 million dollars worth of Hermes handbags. And I hate her. In the good old days (read when money wasn't an issue) I had the pleasure of on a couple of occasions worshiping at the Hermes store in NYC and let me tell you, as a 10 year old it rivaled FAO Schwartz for its magical allure.

Now, for the real reason I started yapping about purses to begin with...in my research I found this website 'www.designerpursesoutlet.com' and while looking for bags I came across this little item: 'Rare Hermes Crocodile Handbag Alligator Purse' (green of course) and it is a thing of beauty! And then I saw the price tag of $28,448.00. Yes, that is 28 THOUSAND dollars. Which is more than I made in my first job. And that is just ridiculous (both the price of the bag and how little money I made.)

To put how the price of the bag look at this figures for income in Memphis:

Median for all workers
$22,611
Median for all male full-time
$34,306
Median for all female full-time
$30,477

And that means we will never be able to afford one...maybe one will be part of my inheratance? Then we will really see how timeless they are...

cnn.com

Has anyone seen on cnn.com that you can now buy t-shirts w/ some of their headlines on it? The whole thing is a little bizarre because sometimes the headlines they choose are not that funny. Plus I have a feeling that by the time you get the t-shirt delivered the topical nature of the quote you have selected has long become irrelevant.

Until now...kids, if only I had a job. Because if I did, you would all be getting this one. I have not actually watched the video for the report but a study in the UK has found what we already know...

'1 in 3 workers hung over at the office'

I have to say I am very proud of often being that 1 in 3! For some of you, and you know who you are, the figure for that particular office is more like 3 in 3.

http://www.cnn.com/tshirt/index.html?hash=766b80f0369f1116b255fdb29626678c&return_uri=http://www.cnn.com/video/%23/video/business/2008/05/13/boulden.uk.hungover.workers.cnn&session_id=

an update

Just wanted to post a little update on where I am right now...the memphis public library. But I guess you are more curious as to what I am doing with my life...

I am still unemployed but applying to lots of things I am probably not qualified to do, and some that I actually not only am qualified but would enjoy doing.

I have been enjoying the no work thing but I have to admit it is getting a little old.

This Wednesday marks the 4 week anniversary of what would have been my last day and so this week the is the beginning of the whole search for ANY job...so if the next time you see me I am asking you if you want fries with that, please don't laugh and I'll supersize it for you.

If anyone knows of any jobs available (or see any help wanted signs) please let me know. Contrary to popular belief I am actually a pretty hard worker, way smarter than I seem and pretty much willing to sacrifice my dignity for a paycheck.

Finally, on a serious note...I just want to thank everyone for their support and well wishes during this time. Once I have a job a round of drinks is on me!

newest platform for a better memphis (can be adapted to your own city)

In this world where everyone carries a laptop and wifi is available nearly everywhere you go (Even at McDonald's and Krystal!) I think there needs to be more available electrical outlets, including outdoors.

I am not ready to go home yet, but my computer is running out of power. Of course at LaBaguette there are only 3 tables with easy access to an outlet; 2 are occupied and 2 are very wobbly.

And so now I am at a crossroads...do I sit at the wobbly table for a bit? Do I venture back into the library? Do I go home? Do I risk going somewhere else where they may or may not have plugs?

Oh, and I totally get that I need to find a job real quick if this is what is stressing me!

ah the public library...

So this morning I decided to go to the public library to do a little work on looking for work...I pull up to a parking space and there is a car about one space over with a man sitting in it (we have an empty space between us.

I listening to something on the radio so I didn't immediately get out of my car. He seemed to be doing the same. Then a car pulls up in between us. A man get out and into the the car that was already there. About 2-3 minutes later the guy gets out and back into his car and drives off.

I go into the library but leave after about 15 minutes (more on that later.) The guy is still sitting there parked in the same spot with a different guy in the car. By the time I get in my car and start it the other guy gets out and into his own car.

The time they were in the car seems too short for sex and arranging a hit so I have to go drug sales.

Really? In the parking lot of the library? Why am I even surprised? And furthermore, why was I relieved by the fact he was doing his business during school hours?

And the people of Memphis were worried about 'workers of the world unite' being one of the quotes outside the library!

thank you president bush

You never thought you would hear me say that did you? Well, I want to thank him for ruining the great economic growth of the Clinton area. Every little boy wants to be like his father and this one really accomplished that. War, economic crisis, failure to respond to the needs of the people, etc.

Why am I thanking him you ask? I want to send a sincere thanks for this wonderful little stimulus package and the government's prompt delivery of my $600 to my acct. And I want to thank him for giving me something to laugh about...because let's be honest this ain't going to stimulate anything. The only people who will spend this extra money are the people who already have money and don't worry about spending!

As I write this I think I am being too hard on little Dubya. I mean I will use this to help the economy by you know, buying milk, bread and gas. Wow, he really does know what he is doing right?

another sign i'm getting old...

So the other day I was watching a little Gossip Girl (and yes, watching that does add a little youth to my life.) Anyway as I watched it I found myself drooling over a particular male character. Was it one of the 'kids' on the show? Nope. I was getting turned on by the DAD. Yup, I just fell in love with Jim Walsh.

i don't even know who i am anymore...

I just took a very accurate quiz in order to find out which sex and the city character I am more like...I came out as Carrie!

Really? I've always thought of myself as a Miranda/Charlotte...

I think it was because I answered the what's most important to you question with 'being happy' and not successful career or perfect marriage.

Therapy really is messing me up!!

i really need a job...

I am now watching Rachel Ray and she is not only being funny but I am actually laughing.

AND I am contemplating WALKING to the store.

It is getting desperate...

where did you go?

How come when I had a job everyone was always around to distract me with emails? Now that I am sitting by the computer all day long with nothing to do (except for that whole finding a job thing) no one emails me?!?!?

it just ain't right people!

don't let housewives fool you

In the past several housewives/stay at home moms have tried to tell me that being home during the day doesn't really make it that much easier to run errands. Some have claimed that the traffic is just as bad, the lines just as long and that it doesn't really help to be free during the day.

I have fallen for those lies because it does seem like on my days off it did take a little longer to run errands than I thought it would...but guess what folks, they have been lying! I mean sure if you try to run your errands during the lunch time rush of 11am-2pm (as I often did when I had a day off) then yes, it does take a long time.

The truth is with a little planning it can actually be a breeze! This morning I went to Rite-Aid, Office Max, the post office (went in and delt with a real person, not just dropped things off), ran back in my house, the gas station, made a deposit at the bank AND drove around trying to find an optimal place to sit and work. Spent an eternity in line at La Baguette before finally sitting down. I left my house at 10:32am and was sitting eating and emailing by 11:45. The last time I had to make a deposit at the bank during lunch it nearly took my whole lunch hour.

All I know is that now more than ever it has become plainly obvious to me that the only way to get ahead in life--and by that I mean get all those annoying things done is to not work. Sadly, without work, there are no things to get done. No need to buy a broom if you don't have a house to sweep huh?

DISCLAIMER: When I grouped stay at home moms with the 'housewife' set I did not mean to imply that being one is easy. I do understand that kids, strollers and diaper bags do make running errands difficult, I am just saying you spend less time in line.

Also, not all stay at home moms have tried to lie to me...Natalie has always been honest about the pros of the situation.

but i resigned!, part 4 of the last 2 weeks

So about a week after I resigned I asked to come home early because I was sick and had just thrown up at work. They said ok. Then, about 2 hours later I got a voice mail saying it had been decided that I would no longer have to report to work. I did get paid for the full length of my notice period and that my possessions would be mailed to me.

You know what's funny? They never thought to ask if I had any of their belongings...I guess they thought so little of my work ethic that they never thought I would have taken work home.

I really thought about just throwing everything away, but in yet another attempt at maturity I actually organized it all, made some notes and returned them when my possessions were returned to me (more on that later.)

now its serious...

has anyone seen this?

global warming may affect the production of malting barley...which means it will affect beer!! The study only covered New Zealand and Australia but it could translate world wide.

Now, polar bears and penguins I won't lose sleep over but beer?!?!?!?

http://tech.msn.com/guides/green/articlecnet.aspx?cp-documentid=6815394&icid=tg6815394&GT1=45002

for my next job...; an addition

I will not become friends with any of my coworkers. I will not discuss anything personal. If it means I get labeled as anti-social or a bitch that is fine.

Seriously folks, after finding several good friends not to mention one of my best friends at my previous job, I made the crucial mistake of trusting those around me in this last one.

And let's be honest when push comes to shove everyone is just out for themselves!

ana earns her big girl pants, part 3 of the last 2 weeks

So the next morning I went into my bosses office and turned in my letter. To say it did not go well would be like saying we are winning the war in Iraq. Even though I resigned I got attacked. Later there were apologies.

I would like to say that I had every opportunity to go Brazilian, lose my mind and really speak my mind. I however kept my cool and was professional. When recounting the events to my friends I think it is fair to say everyone was very impressed. Several were even proud of me.

Things seem to be going well...I was actually trying my best to tie up lose ends before I left. Until...

PS. If you would like to know the details they can be purchased with for the low price of a beer and some french fries.

turns out i have some really big cojones, part 2 of the last 2 weeks

Here is the thing. On April 1st I realized I needed to quit my job. Not the whole I need to find something better bit we all go through at least once a week but a whole I need to get out right now before I either lose it or get fired. Sadly, both those were possibilities in the very immediate future.
I wanted to just walk out but Martha convinced me it was a bad idea. So I went home and had a breakdown. Then I consulted my mom, Wes and Jamie. And they all were supportive. In typical mom fashion mine said I was too good for that job anyway. Jamie told me not to worry because it wasn't like I was going to starve, she was sure one of my friends would buy me cheese dip and a margarita.
The consensus was that I was miserable and that taking control of my life was the best thing I could do for myself. So I drafted a letter of resignation and actually slept well for the first time in months!

breaking the silence, part 1 of the last 2 weeks

Well, kids I have not blogged in a while. I know you have missed me. I have to admit I have missed sharing my life with you but now I think sufficient time has passed and it is time I return. I have a lot to say, and not all of it is funny I am afraid but go ahead and indulge me as I am getting back to funny soon. I promise. Hopefully by now the fine folks at my former place of employment have stopped checking to make sure I am not talking about them, because I will now talk about them.

I have broken it up into small parts...it seems to be keeping me from saying something I shouldn't!

is this you wes?

There is a story on tvguide.com about Project Runway moving to lifetime. One guy wrote in and said he will not watch it if it goes to a chick channel (I bet he is one of the morons who will vote for McCain if Obama doesn't win.) Another guy wrote this...

I'm a guy and I watch Lifetime because they play Frasier and Golden Girls. I would never watch their insipid original movies, but, there is SOME merit to the channel. Mainly, that merit is Golden Girls.

I am pretty sure it is Wes...who agrees?

boycotts

So a lot of people want the US (or their own countries) to boycott the China Olympics due to China's oppressive treatment of Tibet. I say this is a bad idea. And here is why...

1. Boys in speedos. I only get to see swimming on tv every four years and gosh darn it I want to see basically naked hot boys.
2. We would look like hypocrites. Has anyone heard of a cute little place called 'Guantanamo'?
3. Waterpolo players. Not to mention baseball, soccer and volleyball. Oh and sailors, runners and triathltes and lots more.
4. It would only hurt us. Our athletes would not compete, and coke would not be able to make cute commercials about how Coca-Cola unites the world (which it does!)
5. Did I mention boys in speedos?

not like we need a reason but

go out and drink a beer today. Or 2. Or a lot. Today marks the 75th anniversary of beer becoming legal after prohibition. It would be un-American to do so otherwise.

thoughts for the day...

today is the first day of the rest of your life! -american proverb

now is the right time.- lotus sutra

do one thing every day that scares you.-eleanor roosevelt

leap and the net will appear. -zen saying

everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end. -unknown

what were you doing in the third grade?

These kids in Georgia are plotting to attack their third grade teacher. They had weapons, assigned job duties, etc. I think they should get points for having a strategic plan don't you?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/04/01/kids.plot.ap/index.html

april fool's day

who came up with this stupid day?

is it saturday yet?

I had such a ridiculously long Monday that when I woke up this morning I thought it was Saturday. And then I realized it was only Tuesday.

Now, that is true despair.

the facts of life

words of wisdom from Mrs. Garrett:

"Getting drunk is not a very grown up thing to do, even when grown ups do it"

management

So all my working life I have wanted to be on the 'management team.' Most of you know I am not that power hungry but to be honest I just wanted to have an in to hear gossip first hand. Well, now that I am 'management' or at least our version of it I am desperate to get out.

Last week we had a meeting and I decided I would track the comments being made....here are the results:
*Comments irrelevant to me outweight the relevant ones by a ration of 3 to 1.
*There were 7 comments made that were just plain stupid; 12 that were pointless.
*6 comments were made just to 'prove' tot he others the person was 'smart' and all 6 failed at achieving the goal.
*4 questions were asked that sent us into tangents we could not recover from.
*The phrase 'strategic plan' was used 8 times. And no, we are not in the midst of working on a strategic plan.

Needless to say I only paid attention at the meeting so I could report those numbers back to you.

do you think there will be a point...

When my current co-workers will stop acting like the woman who had the job before me was perfect?

friends, she is lounging at home watching tv...

So this 1/2 ton woman killed her nephew. It is a horrible story, and Nancy Grace is mad (I know, shocking.) One version is that she fell on the child. The best part is that they claim that they can't take the lady to jail because she is so fat.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/crime/2008/03/27/ng.killer.too.obese.for.jail.cnn

"If I can pay for the war in Iraq, I can pay for this lady to go to jail"

PS. Does anyone think nancy gracy has a little angry tyrant she should take on a walk?

i want to be one of those people...

who can get away with refusing to do things at work that they don't want to. I don't mean major parts of my job descriptions (well, I don't really want to do most of those either) but the little things. I am sitting in my office listening to someone talk about how a co-worker does not want to do something.

Two of my co-workers are discussing how 'well, that's just her, what can you do" Uh, a lot. You can make her do it. Or you can fire her. That was easy. If only I got to be in charge.

Happy Easter!

my therapist says...

I need to sit down and list what I am looking for in a job before I even look for a new job (not that I am looking...) After much deliberation these are the final criteria I have come up with...

1. Job must start no earlier than 9 am and end no later than 5 pm. And frankly I need these to be guidelines not set in stone.
2. 2 hour lunches must be encouraged, not frowned upon
3. free massages (the FFL was not all bad!)
4. TV with cable in my office (no premium channels necessary)
5. Watching March Madness is encouraged. Bracket tournament for cash mandatory.
6. Flexible schedule during the World Cup. If I am up early watching the games, I need a nap in the afternoon.
7. NO WEEKENDS AND NO HOLIDAYS
8. At least one day off a month allotment for hangovers.
9. Wine and cheese at staff meetings.
10. Work week will be Monday to Friday.

Am I asking for too much?

how i feel at work...

facebook

So Sunday night I decided to join facebook. And yes, I know I am always a couple of years behind the curve. I have to say it has been a huge ego boost. Who knew I had so many 'friends'? People see really excited to see me there and that my friends is the excitement.

Yesterday it hit me that since I can't go on it at work and can only check it on my phone I am not going to be able to do as much with it as I would want to. So the despair hit. I now have yet another vehicle in which to ignore my friends.

taking to the bed

Natalie always tells some story about a great aunt or other distant relative who one day just took to the bed and stopped leaving the house. It has sort of become a joke in our friend group, often when I don't want to go out on a Friday night I claim I am taking to the bed.


I am now seriously considering taking to the bed. After this weekend, it seems so much safer than being around you guys.

being in college is hard...

According to a new study, "College kids are so frazzled they can't sleep or eat. Or study. Good grief, they're even anxious about spring break."

Remember when we felt that way as undergrads?

I think I found my new career...I want to go on a speaking tour of colleges on the premise that I will help them cope with the stress of college life. What I will really do is tell them to stop being stupid, get drunk and have fun because approximately 15 minutes after the celebratory graduation lunch with their parents, they will finally know what real stress is like. Mine came in the form of $100 bucks in cash from my dad, a pat on the back and no future.

for my next job...

Someone please remind me to make sure I get Good Friday off from whatever job I get next. Having to work this Friday just ain't christian.

how come i can't make that kind of money?

wine for lunch?

The best exchange ever from the Gilmore Girls...

Richard: Only prostitutes drink two glasses of wine at lunch.
Emily: Well then, get me a feather boa and fly me to Reno because I am open for business.

I have never wanted to be a prostitute more...

riddle me this

Why is it that the worst you look and feel the more people you will run into at the grocery store? Have I asked this before? I just want to know why I don't learn this lesson and just get properly dressed to go buy my cocoa puffs.

how sad is this?

I'm home sick and was I was so excited because I thought I could watch Kate and Allie episodes...and they are not on :(

I want to cry now.

how technology has changed my life...

I didn't have a cell phone in college and a dial up internet connection so when I got really drunk the next morning I usually only had to apologize to the people I was with and very rarely to someone I had drunk emailed. Then came the cell phone and I had to start apologizing for drunk dials. Now, I have text messages to apologize for.

Technology is supposed to make our lives easier and it usually does, except when I get drunk and then have to apologize for my call, texts, emails, and not to mention the way I behaved in front of people. And let me tell you folks, with the new phone I had a lot of apologizing to do.

check out the sides...

new autobiography title and hang over entries. Yes, it was a banner friday.

happy st patty's day! The second option

my dignity, lost and found

Last week I was going to let you guys know I thought my dignity had been found. Then I went out Friday night and lost it again. Then I decided that I wasn't going to let that second shot of Jagermeister define me and that I was in fact going to announce my dignity restored. And then I found myself at 9 am this morning, eating a chicken biscuit, at the laundromat, in flip flops, in dirty jeans, an oversized fleece jacket and no bra on. Yup, lost it again.

happy st patty's day!

my sincere apologies...

for not posting very often in the last 2 weeks, I could make lots of excuses but frankly I just didn't feel very funny. I do appreciate all of your comments about how much you 'rely' and 'need' the blog to make it through the day.

I would promise that I will always blog in a timely fashion but then I would be lying.

i got an iphone and now...

a guest blogger

I'm not feeling particularly funny today. Actually, I am not feeling funny at all so I wanted to have a guest blogger...The one, the only Wesley Meador. Here are his musings today:

from a txt: Is it bad that I think Geraldine Ferraro is hot. I think its her fiesty nature. Just read the story on cnn about her comments. I think she is right.

and an email: this whole spitzer thing...Really? Governor of the best state in the country and you think you can get away with paying for sex? Did he not see what happened to his neighboring governor when he came out of the closet a few years ago? Really? Can't you just do an intern like Bill taught us? Geez.

Feel free to send in your own entries today!

confession of the day

the spring patio is...

The Bayou!!! Yea, that is my fave spring patio so I am glad it won. My excitement though has turned into despair because while there this Sunday I realized they no longer have my beloved heffie on tap. Please ask for it eveytime you go so that they can bring it back!

we like anything...

as long as it gets us drunk. Screwdrivers and beer won, followed by mimosas as brunch faves. I also know that at least 2 people did not vote because their favorites are bloody marys. Which means there are no favorites...we are equal opportunity drunks.

confession of the day

I wish i could have been there...

Please see the bolded section. I am now going to attempt to do this with all stupid people. I am thinking it may become my full time job ;)

Rove taunted at University of Iowa
Posted: 02:00 PM ET

Rove spoke at the University of Iowa Sunday.
(CNN) — Former top Bush aide Karl Rove didn't get the friendliest of receptions at the University of Iowa Sunday, CNN affiliate KCRG reports.
Rove, who was paid $40,000 to speak at the University, was confronted with an at-times hostile crowd of 1,000, and was interrupted on several occasions.
At one point during the speech, Rove reportedly lashed out at some of the students, saying, "You got a chance to ask your questions later and make your stupid statements, let me make mine."
Police also were forced to remove two people after they tried to perform a citizen’s arrest on Rove for what they said were his crimes while a member of the Bush Administration.
At one point, a person asked Rove if he has ever shed a tear over the war in Iraq.
"I shed a lot of tears and I have been inspired by many of the people who feel their son or daughter should not have to die in vain," he replied.
Toward the end of the speech a member of the crowd yelled, "Can we have our $40,000 back?"
Rove replied, “No, you can't.”
Radio Iowa also reports one audience member told Rove that MSNBC's Keith Olbermann named him the "worst person ever."
"Ever?" Rove joked. "Yea, worse than Hitler, worse than Stalin, worse than Mao and worse than the person who introduced aluminum baseball bats."
Cameras were only allowed to film the beginning of the speech.

case of the mondays

I have been up since 6:45 am. It is now 8:45 am. I should be dressed and ready to be at work shouldn't I? Yet, here I am lying in bed, not dressed, wondering how I am going to make it to work on time today. I hate Mondays.

which is worse?

When I come in the office each day I have to stop by the front desk. Sometimes the person working is all kinds of cheerful and I am grumpy. Sometimes the person working is grumpy and I am grumpy. I can't figure out which I hate the most. I just don't want to chat about the weather and assorted non-sense but I also don't want to hear you bitch about YET another thing one of us did wrong because no one is perfect like you. Frankly, I just wish no one would talk to me.

has anyone seen...

my dignity? I lost it at some point last Nov/Dec and I am desperate to find it. Please leave any tips on the comment section. Thank you.

obama's speech

First of all, not well rehearsed as he has stumbled several times. Its called practice and he needs way more of it. The last thing we need is another President who can't speak.

Does he get that he is not MLK? Or JFK?

And that the world is a much harsher place than the couch on the Oprah show?

caucus this

So Texas has a primary AND a caucus. Really? Both? If anyone has he answer to why they feel the need to make this even more complicated please let me know.

Can we please give TX back to Mexico?

Also, there was no democratic primary in Florida and Michigan where Clinton won the vote but gets no delegates. And so there is a chance that Florida has once again screwed us. Having grown up there I often wish I could move back, but today, I really want to just give it to Cuba and call it a day.

is this good or bad?

I'm torn over the fact that Blacks and Latinos are really defining this election. On one hand, its about time. On the other, shouldn't we be united against all you white folks?

we don't know the tx results yet...

but I my God I want Hillary to win. She just has to.

She mentioned that no President has been elected without winning their Ohio primary. That kind of makes me nervous. If she is not the nominee then say hello to yet another old white man president.

Did anyone catch the way she said Bush's name in her speech? I have heard Holocaust survivors say Hitler's name with less disgust.

the queen

Do you think that at times when the Queen is in some sort of large public gathering and hundreds if not thousands of people are singing 'God Save the Queen' she catches herself thinking 'hey they are singing about me?' or is it just another day on the job for her?

they say its not paranoia

...if they are really out to get you. I am here to say they really are out to get me. Who is 'they'? I won't name names but you know damn well who you are.

jlo's twins

I am kind of disapointed in JLo and Marc Anthony. Max and Emme really? Was there not a single Latin name they could have agreed on? I mean you don't have to name your kids Jose and Maria but...

I guess I shold just be glad they didn't name them Apple and Banana.

to all my catholics

texas

Do you ever meet someone or see someone on tv and not like them but can't figure out why? Then you find out they are from Texas and everything suddenly makes sense?

i can't believe you won't do this for me

A man had his friend shoot him in the shoulder so that he would not have to go to work and take a drug test. Now I have never had to worry about taking a drug test but I often don't want to go to work and none of you have ever offered to do that for me. And here I was thinking we were good friends.

anger management

Did anyone hear about the guy who plead guilty to asault for hitting a woman on his way to anger management class? Awesome.

this message you respond to

So it is no secret that I love to text message everyone about everything. More often than not, they never get answered. Which other than when I am trying to ask you to dinner its not that big of a deal. But then yesterday I sent a group text message praising the weather and letting everyone know that outdoor drinking season can officially begin.

Well, within 2 seconds my phone was ringing off the hook. Nearly everyone responded. And this is why I love my friends. Mention alcohol and they all get excited!

spring patio

Please vote for where we should spend March to Memorial Day. After a Memorial Day bash at Wes' we will then move on to a summer locale. Pre-requisites to a good spring locale: Alcohol, a few fans; adjustable shade; not too many gays, straights, families or people with lots of friends.

If you vote for other, drop me a note letting me know what the 'other' is. That way it may be added to our list!

this is your brain

I thought this was funny. And so damn true! Just this am I discussed with my boss how I was going to a meeting this afternoon. Somehow between 10:45 am and 1:56 pm I completely forgot about the meeting. Had I not gotten an email from which ended with see you at the meeting this afternoon I would have completely forgotten!

As a child in the 1980s, I learned that my brain was an egg and that my brain on drugs was a fried egg. As an adult, my brain is more like scrambled eggs: I can't remember everything I need to remember.

technology sucks

It may seem weird for someone who has a blog and spent the first few days blogging about the loss of her beloved cell phone to say this but I hate technology. So after upgrading to Windows Vista (which I actually like) it seems that thanks to one of Microsoft's 'updates' I now need to downgrade back to XP. Seriously?

And now the Indian guy put me on hold while my computer does something. The best part is that the computer is ready for the next step. The Indian guy? Probably eating some curry. And I am on hold. Stuck at work because that's when the call came in. After I asked to not be called between 6:30 and 7:30.

This is the best part. He keeps asking me if I have any 'important' data in my computer. Uh, what does that mean? Do I have the next great American novel? No. Do I have a very funny detalied account of 24 hrs of my life with some salt bagels? Yes.

Oh goody. Now I get to sit at work for the next hour. Awesome (Martha I am giving the thumbs up now.) I love being at work for 12 hours!

I feel like the PC guy in the commercial. Pretty sure I will be buying a cute Mac notebook next.

a true fat kid

So this morning I am up and a little grumpy and a lot hungry. Not at all shocking for anyone who has known me for more than a week. So I decide that the best way to feel better about myself is to eat a donut. So before coming into work I go to Donald's Donuts and get myself some chocolate milk and some donut holes (a better fried/sugar to dough ratio.) I get in my car and immediately start feeling bad about doing this. Not because I got donuts (those were yummy!), not because I got choclate milk (it was lowfat!) The real reason I was upset is that as I drove back up my own street and past my house I realize I had driven half a block to the clog my arteries. I really am a fat kid all the way...

about a little before

Could the title of this post be a little more vague? Well, that is what was on the Channel 3 news ticker this morning. A fire broke out 'about a little before 3:30 am' today in North Memphis. Its a news ticker people, it is meant to concisely tell us something. How about 'around 3:30 am.' Now doesn't that accomplish the same thing?

champagne

is the devil. I managed to be drunk AND hung over yesterday after brunch. Now that takes talent.

the oscars

So I watched the Oscars last night (in between doing the dishes) because not watching them would be weird. Growing up Oscar night was one of the random nights a year my mom would always let me stay up for. I could not help but make some notes on my thoughts of the whole proceedings.

Overall it was very boring but to me not as long as it could have been…

The Red Carpet:
*John Travolta…is his hair painted on?
*Javier Bardem…makes me nervous. Am I repulsed by him or do I want to have his babies?
*Carrie Bradshaw is right…Clooney never goes out of style.
*Helen Mirren…why do the Britts always sound smarter than you Americans?
*I can’t decide how I feel about Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana…mostly I think I am angry she seems to think she has the best of both worlds…while I am dying to have the best of one!

Hour 1:
*Jon Stewart is funny but I will forever miss Billy Crystal. He is to the Oscars what Sean Connery is to James Bond.
* Have I mentioned Clooney looks good?
*HATE Katherine Heigl. If you are so ‘nervous’ then don’t accept the job of speaking in front of 600 million ppl. Trust me, you are over exposed as is.
* Jennifer Husdon’s boobs….out of control.
*Javier wins and speaks in Spanish to his mom. I need a minute.

Hour 2:
*LOVE that they left Marisa Tomei out of the supporting actress montage.
* Michael Clayton’s lady shocked she won. And so am I. She obviously thought Cate Blanchette (who looked good) was going to win because she didn’t bother to wear make-up and wore a sack dress Dorothy on the Golden Girls would wear.
*Alan Arkin and Sydney Poitier…best voices ever. Want them to read to me.
*I want to be Kristen Chenoweth to be my friend. She may have to be added to my bowling team roster.
*If Helen Mirren, Dame Judy and the Living Legend aren’t nominated, were movies even made?
*What does Laura Linney have to do to win an Oscar? I mean, other than consistently being one of the best actresses of her generation? I don’t know if she deserved a nomination let along a win but she is a girl crush and I must fight for her!
*I have seen 26 of the 79 Best Pictures winners. 26 of 80 by the end of the show.

Hour 3 & Hour 3+
*I’m bored. And I have lost interest.
*Renee ‘I have a stick up my ass’ Zellweger presents and I don’t want to throw anything at the tv. I must be growing soft in my old age.
*I understood Penelope Cruz!
*Documentary short subject lady is screaming at me during her acceptance speech. Why? I like same sex couples. I’m scared.
*Yay Juno wins something. Boo for us almost seeing the writer’s private squares.
*Daniel Day Lewis. Seems too smart for me.
*Where have I been? Frances McDormand is married to Joel Cohen?

This is all I have to say. Pretty much as boring as the ceremony itself.

PS. I love the speeches that make you cry. Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, etc. This year the closest I got to crying was a JC Penney commercial…

tina fey is my new girlfriend

Tina Fey hosted SNL this weekend and did a segment on weekend update...hilarious! In case you missed it, because you weren't home on a Sat night...

We have our first serious female presidential candidate in Hillary Clinton, and yet, women have come so far as feminists that they don't feel obligated to vote for a candidate just because she's a woman. Women today feel perfectly free to make whatever choice Oprah tells them to.

Which raises the question: Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama? Some say that they are put off by the fact that Hillary can't control her husband and that we would end up with co-presidents. 'Cuz that would be terrible, having two intelligent qualified people working together to solve problems. Ughh. Why would you let Starsky talk to Hutch? I wanna watch that show "Starsky."

You know, what is it, America? What is it? Are you weirded out that they're married? Because I can promise you they're having exactly as much sex with each other as George Bush and Jeb Bush are.

Then there is the scrutiny of her physical appearance. Rush Limbaugh, the Jeff Conaway of right wing radio, said that he doesn't think America is ready to watch their president, "Turn into an old lady in front of them." Really? They didn't seem to mind when Ronald Reagan did that.

I think what bothers me the most is when people say that Hillary is a bitch. Let me say something about that. Yeah, she is. And so am I. And so is this one [points to Amy Poehler].
Amy P: Yeah, deal with it.
Tina F: You know what? Bitches get stuff done. That's why Catholic schools use nuns as teachers and not priests. Those nuns are mean old clams, and they sleep on cots and they're allowed to hit you. And at the end of the school year you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont.

So, I'm saying it's not too late, Texas and Ohio. Get on board. Bitch is the new black!

leave me alone people

I'm sorry about the lack of posts lately but I've experienced some issues this past week...



1. I have actually worked for most of the week and until 8-9 oclock a couple of nights. When I have come home I haven't felt like entertaining you.

2. I have overslept every single morning not giving me enough time to get properly dressed and entertain you. I would prefer the latter but my work requires me to be dressed.

3. Somewhere around 2:36pm on Tuesday I lost my funny. I have since found it, but the crisis did leave me shaken up.

4. My computer is stuck in a endless cycle of pretending to update itself, shutting off and restarting to the same update page over and over again. I have been dealing with a nice gentleman in India but he has so far been unable to help me. When the Indians can't help you you know you are screwed.

I promise to update next week!

wait, there are better excuses

When discussing the the fact he has a stump speech that sounds a lot like another politician's Obama responded with something about how he wasn't the only one to do so.

Andy Pettitte the baseball pitcher admitted to using illegal substances. When asked if he thought he was a cheater he said no, because while what he did was stupid, he was desperate.

I think most first graders these days can come up with better excuses.

best excuse ever...

Found this saved, meant to post it last week. Next time someone is stupid enough to date me and then smart enough to dump me I am going on a spree. Unlike Bai Ling here though I am going to at least hit $20!


Bai Ling Blames Her Arrest on Bad Breakup
Originally posted Friday February 15, 2008 06:00 AM EST

Actress Bai Ling is blaming her recent shoplifting bust on a case of the Valentine's Day blues. The 37-year-old former Playmate was arrested Wednesday at Los Angeles International Airport after reportedly shoplifting $16 worth of celebrity magazines and batteries from a terminal convenience store. It was an "emotionally crazy" day, she explained to E! News on Thursday. Why? She was coping with the "huge problem of breaking up [before] Valentine's Day." Ling, a former guest star on Lost and Entourage added, "Wrong boyfriend."

Cuba Si, Castro No

So I happened to check my email in the middle of the night (we won't discuss the ridiculousness of that) and saw I had a cnn.com breaking news email telling Castro is stepping down. I turn on the tv and nothing. Not even on the damn ticker.

I get distracted and forget to turn on the tv right at 5 am for American Morning. At 5:11 I turn it on and catch 2 seconds of something about it. Then they spend 10 minutes discussing steroids in baseball. Really? The man is a commie, he has been a thorn on the side of America, survived 9 American Presidencies and we can't spend some time discussing this?

And then we wonder why Americans don't care about foreign policy? 5:34 and they are finally discussing it.

ps and by the way...thank whatever god or higher power you believe in that you don't live in South Florida right now. The Cubans must be literally dancing on the streets. There will be no work done, this is all people will talk about. This fat kid wants to know, where can we get a good sandwich in this town? And who wants to join?

ugh

Someone spray painted that on the wall between the nasty Chinese buffet place and the Laundromat on Evergreen and Madison. Now, doesn’t that say it all? I never feel as sad, pathetic and poor as when I am doing my laundry in public.

the judges, UPDATED

How come it is funny when judges on reality tv shows are really hard on the contestants, but not so funny when my boss is hard on me? Isn't my boss just a judge on the ultimate reality show that is my life? On Project Runway the more Nina Garcia sticks it to the contestants the more I want to be her friend. The same just doesn't ring true when my boss finds it necessary to remind me once again how much I suck at my job.

I'll let you know if those feelings change after I have yet another meeting where I find out how much I do suck.

UPDATE: The reports of my demise have been greatly exagerated. By me. Turns out I am not that bad at my job. I will now celebrate by sitting back and not working for the next week. Just kidding. I may joke about it but we all know I need to be fired like a fat kid needs cake!

confession of the day

a few things...

I just had a moment where I actually thought the Dharma Initiative was real. And that they were indeed performing experiments all over the world at some point.

I did not find Knocked Up or Superbad funny. And while we are at it Napoleon Dynamite wasn’t funny either.

How come I only want to eat Fino’s on Monday’s when they are closed?

Molly Ringwald is 40. I can’t decide if that makes me feel really young or really old. Thoughts?

confession of the day

this is what i know of love

This was for sale at Target. Now, how is this a good present? I have your heart in my mouth and I am ready to chomp and destroy it at any moment? Now, that to me says love.

a valentine song for you

From the Wedding Singer...Somebody Kill Me

You don't know how much I need you.
While you're near me I don't feel blue.
And when we kiss I know you need me too.
I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true.

But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddam joke.
And when I think of you Linda,
I hope you fucking choke.

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.

Oh somebody kill me please,
somebody kill me plee-ase,
I'm on my knees,
pretty pretty please kill me.

I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.

could anything be more wrong?

From my horoscope...

As highly discriminating as you are, it could be a lot of fun today to think about all the possibilities that Valentine's Day presents. Of course, you may need to narrow the field, for spreading yourself too thin doesn't work well for you. Finding a balance between playing the field and making a choice can be tricky business. It's likely that an external event will force you to play your hand one way or another.

First of all...ha. As if there was a field to narrow or a choice to make. Oh wait, there was a choice made. And not by me.

i need today

to be valentines day like a fat kid needs cake.

Who thought of this stupid day anyway? If couples need this day then I feel sorry for them but why do losers, I mean single people, feel so personally insulted by this day? Is it really that much worse to be alone one Feb 14th then Feb 13th?

Truth is the 13th was bad enough, so I can only imagine how awesome the 14th is going to be.

no confession, just a valentine

not that i have to go too out of my way for this...

speaking of love...

I love it when people want me to feel sorry for them and send me emails whinning about how much a situation sucks and how someone is mean and then I find them hours later putting themselves in the same situation, around the same people that they were bitching about earlier in the day.

Just a tip, if it is that bad then just don't hang out around them and let them get to you.

yet another low

So I just figured out that since I got Showtime now I can watch 'Big Brother After Dark' and can watch more than 3 hours a week of this crap. And that is the most exciting thing that has happened to me since lord knows when.

drugs kill dreams...

and they make you stupid...

a woman got arrested because she deposited not only cash but meth at a bank.

i want to be her friend.

missing the point

So Target has been in town the past few days and while it is a lot of fun when they are here it also exhausting. We have to be constantly on. The house has to look good, we have to look good and say the right things and it is a lot of pressure. At the end of the event today one of them was watching a litttle kid do a valentine and said to me that she was really sad and that she thought my boss and I were angels for doing what we do. First I assured her neither one of us are angels and then I said that it could be tough but that we love what we do and it has its rewards.

And that got me thinking that yes, I am incredibly proud of what I do. And no, chances are that I am not personally making a difference in their lives, but these events and parties are. And if coming in on a Sunday so that some Jews can decorate cookies makes one kid's day better than I have done my job well.

My next thought which I kept to myself was... hmmm if only I made more money then I could really be happier.

And then it hit me that I missed the whole point of it all. And that I had just gotten myself some extra points in hell.

no confession, just a valentine

you can all relax

Papa John's has sent me my Valentine's Day Pizza offer. I will order and eat it while I look through bluenile.com. I will be driving off the noncannah around 9:37pm. See you there.

worst than pizza emails

Nothing reminds you of how alone you are the week of valentine's day when you check your hotmail and it says new messages and it is an email from bluenile.com announcing special on engagement rings.

why am i surprised

every single morning when I realize not only do I have to go to work but I really don't want to?

february in saudi arabia anyone?

I've bolded my favorite parts...

(CNN) -- Saudi Arabia has asked florists and gift shops to remove all red items until after Valentine's Day, calling the celebration of such a holiday a sin, local media reported Monday.
"As Muslims we shouldn't celebrate a non-Muslim celebration, especially this one that encourages immoral relations between unmarried men and women, " Sheikh Khaled Al-Dossari, a scholar in Islamic studies, told the Saudi Gazette, an English-language newspaper.
Every year, officials with the conservative Muslim kingdom's Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice clamp down on shops a few days before February 14, instructing them to remove red roses, red wrapping paper, gift boxes and teddy bears. On the eve of the holiday, they raid stores and seize symbols of love.

no confession, just a valentine

not good

I think I am hungover from my hangover. Is that even possible?

thank you

From Sat's horosocope: "Unreliable people may disappoint you." I would love to thank you all for proving them wrong and not only being reliable but also not disappointing but we know that would not be true. The truth is, I am glad I can always rely on all of you to disappoint me. And I would not want it any other way!

no confession, just a valentine

For the 556th time...

The first thought I had this morning was: "I'm never drinking again." And then I started to think of how many times I have said that in my life and how I don't ever really even attempt to make that happen. In fact, I often go ahead and drink the next day. I then decided to try to figure out how many times in fact I have spoken those words...

Here is my funny math:

1x a month since August 1997= 126
4 weddings; 3 rehearsal dinners; 3 Bachelorette parties= 10
Mardi Gras (4 in college; 1 post x 6 days)= 30
Jazz Fest= 5
Memphis In May (3 years)= 7
Halloweens, Cinco de Mayos, Easters in college= 8
Spring Breaks= 7
New Years, other assorted holidays in the past 10 years= 15
Sorority/Frat/Random House Parties= 33
Claire's 23rd year at Boscos= 37
Parties at Pete & Wes (theater and malmo parties)= 6
Bravo Events= 27
High School= 7
Other assorted events, special occasions, and random tuesdays= 238


TOTAL: 556 times...

fried cheese and chicken wings saved my life

After a very painful day regretting every beer I had last night I finally feel like a human being. Thank God for fried cheese and chicken wings.

Steven and Wes may disagree with me due to their near death experiences with fried cheese sticks but I cannot help but love them, esp when they have done so much for me.

How do you feel about fried cheese? Vote and let us all know!

new features

I've added two new items to the right hand column:

Autobiography Title: Just a spot to keep track of what I will call my memoirs...if anyone remembers any of the old ones let me know!

Hangover Tracker: Lets see if any of 2008's will make it into the top 3 of all time!

poll results

Hilary wins in our friend group, will lose the election. We are such losers we can't even pick a winner.

Huckabee should not be trusted for abandoning the fat kid lifestyle.

no confession, just a valentine

this explains my citibank bill...

From a CNN article:

Why sadness can blow your budget:
If you're sad and shopping, watch your wallet: A new study shows people's spending judgment goes out the window when they're down, especially if they're a bit self-absorbed.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/02/08/sad.shopping.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Love the 'especially if they're a bit self-absorbed'...usually whenever I am feeling down it is because I have been thinking of myself way too much!

starbucks

I don't go very often, and only went today because I had a gift card and wanted to share some observations...

There is no greater moment for me then getting to Starbucks in the morning in time to get the last cheese danish...

You know how you can tell who is a student, who is a housewife and who is on their way to work at Starbucks in the morning? The students are the ones laughing with each other, looking refreshed and carefree; the housewives are on the phone discussing other people's marriages not paying attention to the line, and generally being rude to the people working there; and the working folks are the ones tapping their feet/rocking themselves and constantly checking the time wondering how long does it take to make some coffee.

I got the last cheese danish this morning. And to balance what I am sure are about half my caloric budget for the day (well, if I had one it would be) I decided to try one of their new 'skinny lattes' which have way less calories. Now, I usually get non-fat milk in mine but opt for the full sugary syrup...and let me tell you that makes all the difference. Only a skinny person would enjoy a skinny latte.

I need to remember the motto of 'go big or go home' applies to ordering my morning coffee...

fat kid moment

It seems impossible but I am constantly running late getting to work at 10am. I have now found the greatest motivator to get out of bed. I just need to wake up hungry! I got up this morning and snoozed only once before getting up to make some toast. It is now 8:06am and I am up, showered & dressed, and ready to leave the house in search of a second breakfast. On a normal day 8am is when I start the hour (ok, hour and a half) snooze cycle!

Now I just need to figure out what to eat the night before to make me this hungry in the morning. Ah, experimenting with food, a fat kid's dream come true.

every weekend for ana.miranda

tragedy

Tragedy 1:
So after my day of fasting I decided all I wanted to eat for dinner was a shrimp teriaki bowl from Pei Wei. I call them and they were OUT of shrimp. Jamie wanted me to believe that all the Catholics in Memphis decided to eat shrimp at Pei Wei too. I personally think it was a hate crime against my people and our dietary needs.

Tragedy 2:
I was home all day yesterday with a migraine that didnt really get better until late afternoon. By abot 7pm I was in desperate need of coke. The cola kind people. I was also starving having basically fasted a second day in a row, so I decided to go to Sonic for a snack and drink. I get back to my house and am getting out of the car and then this happens...I drop my drink. Spilled nearly all of it. I have to admit it nearly cried.

I think God has foresaken me.

sorry for the lack of posts

yesterday but all day long all this is the only thing that kept going through my head...

I don't recommend...

being good because it sucks. I am starving. And all I want is cake. Not a slice of cake but a whole cake. And a about fourteen baskets of catfish from Soul Fish. And I do mean large baskets.

being a good catholic

I am trying to be a better Catholic and today being Ash Wednesday seemed like the perfect time to start. I am already planning on going to Mass later on today and I had decided that today I would not only abstain from eating meat but would also try my best to fast.

Modern day fasting for Catholics includes having one full meal and two small meals with no eating in between. Now, do we think the 2 cookies I just ate can count as a small meal? And can I get away with eating lunch for 2-3 hours so that my full meal gets me through the day? And for dinner if I eat 3 appetizers but no main course that would not be considered a full meal right?

no confession, just a thought

ash wednesday

if you see someone with a smudge on their foreheads go ahead and assume they got ashes and please don't be the 300th asshole who tries to be cool by pointing out that they have some black stuff on their face. thank you.

super tuesday is super, part 2

So last night Obama decided to give his speech right in the middle of McCain’s…that my friends is ballsy, and cocky. And CNN dropped McCain in an instant.

He is one cocky sob. He took some real digs at Hillary…You can’t divide the party this way and claim to be an uniter. I try to have it both ways all the time and it just does not work! If he was a true fat kid he would know he can’t have his cake and eat it too.

This is why the Obama campaign drives me crazy. He is trying so hard to be a Kennedy, to be a Clinton of 1992. Someone young, fresh, someone who is rallying the youth of America more than anyone else. I am tired of hearing about the ‘movement.’ He of course wants us to see it as some amazing grass roots movement that in his words started as a whisper. I remember him speaking at the Democratic convention, the party’s biggest stage, that is not so much a whisper but a decent size yell. The next time I saw Obama he was on Oprah. Now since when is appearing on Oprah and have her gush all over you and push you to run a whisper???

Oh and by the way according to CNN, poor ppl voted more for Hillary then Obama and the rich voted for him. Latinos also preferred Hillary. As a Latina one paycheck away from homelessness I am glad I voted with my peeps.

Do you think Oprah will give out a day with Obama on her next favorite things show?

Did anyone notice that Obama’s speech was the same as Hillary’s? They are the same person. And according to Becky vote the same 90% of the time. She had actual sources and wasn’t just making that up by the way…

Point is…Obama or Hillary. Can they beat McCain?

Lots of people seem to think Hillary will pick Obama as VP if she is the nominee. Will he pick her? Or will they both pick Edwards? And will Huckabee be VP?

The fun has just started!

Alright, I promise to go back to musings on my funny but pathetic life and leave the political comments alone…until the next major states vote J

super tuesday is super

*Did anyone notice that Huckabee's wife looks lke a drag queen? And Romney's like a pageant queen?
*How fancy has the cnn folks become with their coverage? Loved all the graphics and different screens. The huge tv touch screen? It made Becky and I get a little too excited...
*Political Ana is back people! I'm so excited I might join Hillary's campaign right now. In fact I always said Hillary would be the one candidate I would quit my job to campaign for...time to put my money where my mouth is!
*Hillary just gave us a shout out for being nearly blown away. Huckabee did not.
*Wes has announced he wants to do her. Wait, he wants to marry her. That makes me nervous.
*Mitt Romney is the most presidential looking one out there. If he gets elected I may sign up to be his Monica. And I won't keep the dress. Though I would settle for beings his second wife.
*Ok...Hillary just thanked her mother...'who was born before women could vote and is now is watching her daughter on this stage'...single tear.
*Best speech of the night goes to Clinton. Just realized Obama hasn't spoken...
*No kidding kids, the cnn graphics are awesome and exciting. Its like the best sports event ever.
*And Romney is looking hotter.
*What will California do? Pins and needles, folks.

no reason to change...

HA. being a fat kid helps the economy. So super size those fries and light up that cig.

Study: Obese are Cheaper to Treat

(LONDON)—Preventing obesity and smoking can save lives, but it doesn't save money, researchers reported Monday. It costs more to care for healthy people who live years longer, according to a Dutch study that counters the common perception that preventing obesity would save governments millions of dollars.

confession of the day

POTUS, part 2

Claire just emailed me to let me know that her sister Meg had some additional info on Huckabee that just may put him ahead of Romney in the election. This is the email:


ok here we go, from the washington post:
In the past 18 months, he has whittled 110 pounds from his 5-foot-11 frame, going from 280 pounds (and a body mass index of 39 , which put him roundly in the ranks of the of the obese) to a trim 170 pounds and a healthy body mass index of 24.

Now the Chambers sisters would like you to know we are not endorsing Huckabee. Just giving him props as a Southern fat kid!

Now, I would like to submit to a vote which I'll add as a poll shortly. Do we trust Huckabee more because he used to be a fat kid, or distrust him for abandoning the lifestyle?

POTUS

That is President Of The United States.

A lot of people have been asking me for my opinion, which I have tried to give without being too pushy. Now I have decided to give you your choices, analyzed fat kid style.

Clinton: Looks like she is not afraid to eat. Plus, she is married to the ultimate reformed fat kid Bill Clinton. And she lived in the south so she knows fried chicken. We know we are getting healthy appetites and fun food at state dinners.

Obama: Hmm...seems too skinny. Michelle does not seem like someone who lets him eat french fries; but she is African American so there is a chance for greens and fried chicken. I'm as suspicious of his lack of experience as I am of our lack of information on his eating habits.

McCain: The man spent years as a POW. He must have gone DAYS without food. That makes him a national hero. A fat kid though, probably not.

Huckabee/Romney: A Mormon and a Christian. Huckabee edges Rommney out by virtue of his knowledge of southern food.

This fat kid is pulling for Hillary but as an alien I can't vote :)

no confession, just a reminder

superbowl

Yay Giants.

The 72 Miami Dolphins are still the only truly undefeated team of all time.

Two funny moments: 1. Paula Abdul's comeback.
2. The fox guys saying finally football at kick-off. Uh, if you didnt start the pre-game on Sat afternoon it wouldnt seem that long till the start!

One confusing moment: The whole Declaration of Independence montage. WTF?

I was cheering for the Giants the whole game and am glad they won...except for one thing...I am sad that Junior Seau of the Patriots who came out of retirement to play did not win. I met him a couple of years ago and I can truly say that he is the nicest 'famous' person I have ever met. The San Diego Chargers summer camp is at the University of Califonia San Diego, where I went to camp. We used to see all the players all over the campus and while many would wave hi, Junior would actually stop and hold conversations. He would ask where we were from, how we were doing, etc. I guess I don't have anything funny to say about this except, did I mention I was at the fat farm and he was always eating ice cream? At nine am?

just wanted to say

and of course...

the end of the world is here

I just saw this on cnn. The world may be coming to an end. Now, I have not read the article but if Ann Coulter, the actual devil wants Clinton over McCain I might be rethinking my position on Clinton...

Coulter wants Clinton over McCain

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/

confession of the day

seduction

The AT&T commercial just called the new blackjack's seductive. And I believe them.

If anyone wants to seduce me or knows someone who may want to seduce me the phone is definitely the way to go. In red please.

get me a beer

When discussing a singer on American Idol Simon said the following:

"I would like you if I was drunk...Sober I don't think it works."

I say the same to you.

more than most

I just read the most ridiculous article on people.com. And yes, I am aware of how ridiculous that last sentence sounded. This is the title of the article: Jake Is Taking Heath's Death 'Harder Than Most'

They were best friends and Jake is Matilda's godfather. First of all, what does 'harder than most' even mean? Harder than his parents and siblings or maybe harder than his favorite barista at Starbucks?

All I know is that when I die I would hope to think that my best friend and godparent to my child would be more devastated then random people! That is why I keep so many 'best friends' around...that way I can assure at least one them will be more devastated than most.

kingston rossdale

I was looking at picture of Gwen Stefani with her kid Kingston...and is ti me or is he not growing as fast as the other Hollywood kids? No, I am not talking about Kate Holmes claiming Suri to be a strong 'woman.' It just seems like Violet, Apple, Suri, and the other kids seem to be grwoing a lot faster.

And no, I have no idea when these kids were actually born so I have no idea how old they are and if it is fair to comapre them or not...

If you can shed some light on this please feel free to comment.

confession of the day

and I only wish I was joking...

in case you wondering...

and I have a major case of sunday afternoon blues on a tuesday afternoon...

no confession, just an apology

you obviously do

Nothing drives me crazier then when I am reading an article on the internet and then I scan the comments. People in this country are just stupid. They say the most ridiculous things. I love the one guy who can only insult people by calling them gay. I also love the ones that manage to tun everything into a religious debate. My favorite though? The ones who comment with 'WHO CARES?' 9 out of 10 will write in caps by the way. You know they are overcompensating for their pathetic lives by trying to make you feel stupid for reading the article.

The thing is...you saw the link on the home page. You clicked on it. You read the article. You took the time to write a comment. Trust me, you are the pathetic one.

bartlett for president

Bravo is showing a bunch of west wing episodes today...all from during his re-election campaign. It makes me dream of a day when democrats rule the world again.

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT THIS IS THE IDIOT'S LAST STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS!!!

357 days left in this presidency.

the ann curry question

I know it seems random but Pete wanted more polls. And I think she is a dividing figure in the Today show's gang. Plus, I managed to tie it in with food. How good am I?

calling in sick

So I am the queen of calling in sick to work when I am in fact not sick. I firmly believe in my right to take 'mental health' days. Now riddle me this batmans, why is it that when I am actually not feeling well, I have such a hard time not going in?

confession of the day

sports injury

You may not guess this by looking at me these days but I used to actually play sports and do physical activities. What will not come as a shock though is that I often got injured. I have broken a finger playing handball, fractured an elbow roller skating, had a variety of shoulder and elbow ailments from swimming and tennis. From soccer I have sprained my back, done damage to both my knees, and got a minor concusson. My ankles have suffered the most damage with torn ligaments to the right one, numerous sprains on both, tendonittis on the left. Last night though I suffered perhaps my funniest and most dangerous injury yet. I can proudly say that I nearly blinded myself playing darts.

Now, I know what you are thinking. Darts can be dangerous right? Throwing sharp objects as hard as you can. If you have played with Jeremy and Wes you know the seem to throw as hard as a major league pitcher. Did I stand in the way of one of their throws? Of course not, that would be too easy! I actually managed to get injured removing the dart from the board. After a particularly good throw I walked over to the board and pulled the darts out as hard as I could in an attempt at intimidation. One flew out of my hands right into my left eye. Even popped a blood vessel.

A couple of years ago a college baseball player broke his leg after the semi-final of the college world series during the post game celebratory pile up. He couldnt play in the finals. I thought it was funny. Now I feel like I am just like him.

For the record, I had one of my best dart playing nights. Until my injury derailed it all.