this is your brain

I thought this was funny. And so damn true! Just this am I discussed with my boss how I was going to a meeting this afternoon. Somehow between 10:45 am and 1:56 pm I completely forgot about the meeting. Had I not gotten an email from which ended with see you at the meeting this afternoon I would have completely forgotten!

As a child in the 1980s, I learned that my brain was an egg and that my brain on drugs was a fried egg. As an adult, my brain is more like scrambled eggs: I can't remember everything I need to remember.

technology sucks

It may seem weird for someone who has a blog and spent the first few days blogging about the loss of her beloved cell phone to say this but I hate technology. So after upgrading to Windows Vista (which I actually like) it seems that thanks to one of Microsoft's 'updates' I now need to downgrade back to XP. Seriously?

And now the Indian guy put me on hold while my computer does something. The best part is that the computer is ready for the next step. The Indian guy? Probably eating some curry. And I am on hold. Stuck at work because that's when the call came in. After I asked to not be called between 6:30 and 7:30.

This is the best part. He keeps asking me if I have any 'important' data in my computer. Uh, what does that mean? Do I have the next great American novel? No. Do I have a very funny detalied account of 24 hrs of my life with some salt bagels? Yes.

Oh goody. Now I get to sit at work for the next hour. Awesome (Martha I am giving the thumbs up now.) I love being at work for 12 hours!

I feel like the PC guy in the commercial. Pretty sure I will be buying a cute Mac notebook next.

a true fat kid

So this morning I am up and a little grumpy and a lot hungry. Not at all shocking for anyone who has known me for more than a week. So I decide that the best way to feel better about myself is to eat a donut. So before coming into work I go to Donald's Donuts and get myself some chocolate milk and some donut holes (a better fried/sugar to dough ratio.) I get in my car and immediately start feeling bad about doing this. Not because I got donuts (those were yummy!), not because I got choclate milk (it was lowfat!) The real reason I was upset is that as I drove back up my own street and past my house I realize I had driven half a block to the clog my arteries. I really am a fat kid all the way...

about a little before

Could the title of this post be a little more vague? Well, that is what was on the Channel 3 news ticker this morning. A fire broke out 'about a little before 3:30 am' today in North Memphis. Its a news ticker people, it is meant to concisely tell us something. How about 'around 3:30 am.' Now doesn't that accomplish the same thing?

champagne

is the devil. I managed to be drunk AND hung over yesterday after brunch. Now that takes talent.

the oscars

So I watched the Oscars last night (in between doing the dishes) because not watching them would be weird. Growing up Oscar night was one of the random nights a year my mom would always let me stay up for. I could not help but make some notes on my thoughts of the whole proceedings.

Overall it was very boring but to me not as long as it could have been…

The Red Carpet:
*John Travolta…is his hair painted on?
*Javier Bardem…makes me nervous. Am I repulsed by him or do I want to have his babies?
*Carrie Bradshaw is right…Clooney never goes out of style.
*Helen Mirren…why do the Britts always sound smarter than you Americans?
*I can’t decide how I feel about Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana…mostly I think I am angry she seems to think she has the best of both worlds…while I am dying to have the best of one!

Hour 1:
*Jon Stewart is funny but I will forever miss Billy Crystal. He is to the Oscars what Sean Connery is to James Bond.
* Have I mentioned Clooney looks good?
*HATE Katherine Heigl. If you are so ‘nervous’ then don’t accept the job of speaking in front of 600 million ppl. Trust me, you are over exposed as is.
* Jennifer Husdon’s boobs….out of control.
*Javier wins and speaks in Spanish to his mom. I need a minute.

Hour 2:
*LOVE that they left Marisa Tomei out of the supporting actress montage.
* Michael Clayton’s lady shocked she won. And so am I. She obviously thought Cate Blanchette (who looked good) was going to win because she didn’t bother to wear make-up and wore a sack dress Dorothy on the Golden Girls would wear.
*Alan Arkin and Sydney Poitier…best voices ever. Want them to read to me.
*I want to be Kristen Chenoweth to be my friend. She may have to be added to my bowling team roster.
*If Helen Mirren, Dame Judy and the Living Legend aren’t nominated, were movies even made?
*What does Laura Linney have to do to win an Oscar? I mean, other than consistently being one of the best actresses of her generation? I don’t know if she deserved a nomination let along a win but she is a girl crush and I must fight for her!
*I have seen 26 of the 79 Best Pictures winners. 26 of 80 by the end of the show.

Hour 3 & Hour 3+
*I’m bored. And I have lost interest.
*Renee ‘I have a stick up my ass’ Zellweger presents and I don’t want to throw anything at the tv. I must be growing soft in my old age.
*I understood Penelope Cruz!
*Documentary short subject lady is screaming at me during her acceptance speech. Why? I like same sex couples. I’m scared.
*Yay Juno wins something. Boo for us almost seeing the writer’s private squares.
*Daniel Day Lewis. Seems too smart for me.
*Where have I been? Frances McDormand is married to Joel Cohen?

This is all I have to say. Pretty much as boring as the ceremony itself.

PS. I love the speeches that make you cry. Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, etc. This year the closest I got to crying was a JC Penney commercial…

tina fey is my new girlfriend

Tina Fey hosted SNL this weekend and did a segment on weekend update...hilarious! In case you missed it, because you weren't home on a Sat night...

We have our first serious female presidential candidate in Hillary Clinton, and yet, women have come so far as feminists that they don't feel obligated to vote for a candidate just because she's a woman. Women today feel perfectly free to make whatever choice Oprah tells them to.

Which raises the question: Why are people abandoning Hillary for Obama? Some say that they are put off by the fact that Hillary can't control her husband and that we would end up with co-presidents. 'Cuz that would be terrible, having two intelligent qualified people working together to solve problems. Ughh. Why would you let Starsky talk to Hutch? I wanna watch that show "Starsky."

You know, what is it, America? What is it? Are you weirded out that they're married? Because I can promise you they're having exactly as much sex with each other as George Bush and Jeb Bush are.

Then there is the scrutiny of her physical appearance. Rush Limbaugh, the Jeff Conaway of right wing radio, said that he doesn't think America is ready to watch their president, "Turn into an old lady in front of them." Really? They didn't seem to mind when Ronald Reagan did that.

I think what bothers me the most is when people say that Hillary is a bitch. Let me say something about that. Yeah, she is. And so am I. And so is this one [points to Amy Poehler].
Amy P: Yeah, deal with it.
Tina F: You know what? Bitches get stuff done. That's why Catholic schools use nuns as teachers and not priests. Those nuns are mean old clams, and they sleep on cots and they're allowed to hit you. And at the end of the school year you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont.

So, I'm saying it's not too late, Texas and Ohio. Get on board. Bitch is the new black!

leave me alone people

I'm sorry about the lack of posts lately but I've experienced some issues this past week...



1. I have actually worked for most of the week and until 8-9 oclock a couple of nights. When I have come home I haven't felt like entertaining you.

2. I have overslept every single morning not giving me enough time to get properly dressed and entertain you. I would prefer the latter but my work requires me to be dressed.

3. Somewhere around 2:36pm on Tuesday I lost my funny. I have since found it, but the crisis did leave me shaken up.

4. My computer is stuck in a endless cycle of pretending to update itself, shutting off and restarting to the same update page over and over again. I have been dealing with a nice gentleman in India but he has so far been unable to help me. When the Indians can't help you you know you are screwed.

I promise to update next week!

wait, there are better excuses

When discussing the the fact he has a stump speech that sounds a lot like another politician's Obama responded with something about how he wasn't the only one to do so.

Andy Pettitte the baseball pitcher admitted to using illegal substances. When asked if he thought he was a cheater he said no, because while what he did was stupid, he was desperate.

I think most first graders these days can come up with better excuses.

best excuse ever...

Found this saved, meant to post it last week. Next time someone is stupid enough to date me and then smart enough to dump me I am going on a spree. Unlike Bai Ling here though I am going to at least hit $20!


Bai Ling Blames Her Arrest on Bad Breakup
Originally posted Friday February 15, 2008 06:00 AM EST

Actress Bai Ling is blaming her recent shoplifting bust on a case of the Valentine's Day blues. The 37-year-old former Playmate was arrested Wednesday at Los Angeles International Airport after reportedly shoplifting $16 worth of celebrity magazines and batteries from a terminal convenience store. It was an "emotionally crazy" day, she explained to E! News on Thursday. Why? She was coping with the "huge problem of breaking up [before] Valentine's Day." Ling, a former guest star on Lost and Entourage added, "Wrong boyfriend."

Cuba Si, Castro No

So I happened to check my email in the middle of the night (we won't discuss the ridiculousness of that) and saw I had a cnn.com breaking news email telling Castro is stepping down. I turn on the tv and nothing. Not even on the damn ticker.

I get distracted and forget to turn on the tv right at 5 am for American Morning. At 5:11 I turn it on and catch 2 seconds of something about it. Then they spend 10 minutes discussing steroids in baseball. Really? The man is a commie, he has been a thorn on the side of America, survived 9 American Presidencies and we can't spend some time discussing this?

And then we wonder why Americans don't care about foreign policy? 5:34 and they are finally discussing it.

ps and by the way...thank whatever god or higher power you believe in that you don't live in South Florida right now. The Cubans must be literally dancing on the streets. There will be no work done, this is all people will talk about. This fat kid wants to know, where can we get a good sandwich in this town? And who wants to join?

ugh

Someone spray painted that on the wall between the nasty Chinese buffet place and the Laundromat on Evergreen and Madison. Now, doesn’t that say it all? I never feel as sad, pathetic and poor as when I am doing my laundry in public.

the judges, UPDATED

How come it is funny when judges on reality tv shows are really hard on the contestants, but not so funny when my boss is hard on me? Isn't my boss just a judge on the ultimate reality show that is my life? On Project Runway the more Nina Garcia sticks it to the contestants the more I want to be her friend. The same just doesn't ring true when my boss finds it necessary to remind me once again how much I suck at my job.

I'll let you know if those feelings change after I have yet another meeting where I find out how much I do suck.

UPDATE: The reports of my demise have been greatly exagerated. By me. Turns out I am not that bad at my job. I will now celebrate by sitting back and not working for the next week. Just kidding. I may joke about it but we all know I need to be fired like a fat kid needs cake!

confession of the day

a few things...

I just had a moment where I actually thought the Dharma Initiative was real. And that they were indeed performing experiments all over the world at some point.

I did not find Knocked Up or Superbad funny. And while we are at it Napoleon Dynamite wasn’t funny either.

How come I only want to eat Fino’s on Monday’s when they are closed?

Molly Ringwald is 40. I can’t decide if that makes me feel really young or really old. Thoughts?

confession of the day

this is what i know of love

This was for sale at Target. Now, how is this a good present? I have your heart in my mouth and I am ready to chomp and destroy it at any moment? Now, that to me says love.

a valentine song for you

From the Wedding Singer...Somebody Kill Me

You don't know how much I need you.
While you're near me I don't feel blue.
And when we kiss I know you need me too.
I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true.

But it all was bullshit.
It was a goddam joke.
And when I think of you Linda,
I hope you fucking choke.

I hope you're glad with what you've done to me.
I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy.
You left me here all alone, tears running constantly.

Oh somebody kill me please,
somebody kill me plee-ase,
I'm on my knees,
pretty pretty please kill me.

I want to die.
Put a bullet in my head.

could anything be more wrong?

From my horoscope...

As highly discriminating as you are, it could be a lot of fun today to think about all the possibilities that Valentine's Day presents. Of course, you may need to narrow the field, for spreading yourself too thin doesn't work well for you. Finding a balance between playing the field and making a choice can be tricky business. It's likely that an external event will force you to play your hand one way or another.

First of all...ha. As if there was a field to narrow or a choice to make. Oh wait, there was a choice made. And not by me.

i need today

to be valentines day like a fat kid needs cake.

Who thought of this stupid day anyway? If couples need this day then I feel sorry for them but why do losers, I mean single people, feel so personally insulted by this day? Is it really that much worse to be alone one Feb 14th then Feb 13th?

Truth is the 13th was bad enough, so I can only imagine how awesome the 14th is going to be.